I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
