I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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