You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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