i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
