Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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