people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
