we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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