I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
