my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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