I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
