Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize