Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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