i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
