New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
