I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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