Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
