i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
