Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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