i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
