Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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