alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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