Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
