If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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