I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
