he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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