Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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