The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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