im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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