they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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