walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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