I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
