I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
