he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
