dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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