I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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