he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
