I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
