I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
