I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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