I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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