Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
