Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you never un-have a 4some
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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