He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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