I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
