Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
