Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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