if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
