It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
