Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
