Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
