At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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