I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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