I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
