I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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