It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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