He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You are the jesus of drinking
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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