Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
