he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
