All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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