If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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