I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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