a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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