Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
