i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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